It's not that I don't have people around me that are supportive, I do. By the dozens. But, I've had friends come and go so quickly in my life that I don't know who is going to be around much longer and who I can depend on forever(I don't like using that term, but it seemed appropriate. To me, forever only means as long as you live.... but what if they go first? Morbid, I know).
It's not the people I don't trust to stick around, it's me. I can get too close for comfort to some people, and many don't like that. Which I understand. Especially independent people. I always thought I was one of those, until I realized how much I depend on others. Not only to do things for me, that's not the issue, but others I can do things for. I'm a very giving person, I feel, and I like to do for others. Even in the smallest of ways. Writing someone a note, getting them a coffee or something while I'm picking something else up, getting souvenirs for friends while on vacation, paying for dinner once in awhile, doing small favors. I live off these things. I enjoy seeing and making people happy, but sometimes people get tired of it. I don't do it so they can remember that I did. Not do they will look back and go "oh that Lauren, she's great." I really don't like to expect anything in return either. I'm usually surprised by it. (I don't mind surprises every once in awhile either). But a lot of people really don't like that quality I have, mostly because it seems like they feel obligated to do for me what I do for them. Not true.
One of my newest best friends is like me, in that sense. She has the biggest heart around and will give you the shirt off her damn back. We're so alike it's crazy. We both love to do for others, which seems to be our downfall as well.
I've noticed something else about myself in the recent days.
When I start a new friendship, I get really excited about it. I will text the person a lot or write on their facebook/twitter/myspace whatever. That's probably not a good thing, right?
I like how I'm posing a question to no one because I haven't, technically, broadcasted this link yet. I will.... eventually. When I feel like it's ready.
Today in history class we were talking about the civil war. My professor had asked how the aftermath of a civil war is worse than a war between two opposite countries. I realized that this is a lot like life. Some people are going through personal civil wars within themselves, and some have wars with others.
The thing about an internal civil war is, not only are you hurting yourself, but others around you are also affected by it. I think I've been having a civil war between me, myself and I for awhile now. I haven't always noticed or wanted to admit it, but it's there. I know everyone fights inside themselves for what the right thing or the wrong thing to do is. Small battles for reason. But the one I've been having is an all out war.
And the damage is way worse than anyone else could do to me from the outside.
I mean, I don't have any kind of mental disability or things like that. But sometimes I blur reality from fantasy. I had a dream last night about a close friend, and it felt so incredibly real and I was so happy in that dream. When I woke up and realized that the events never took place, I wasn't horribly sad, but it made me realize something that I wasn't completely sure of before. Something that I still don't want to admit because it could ruin the way things are now, and I don't want that. Not only for me, but for others.