Monday, August 31, 2009

Life Changes

For the past few months I've been really frustrated with my steady relationship status(non-existent). Lately I've realized that I'm not incredibly happy with myself, therefore how can I be happy with anyone else?

Although, thinking about it further, isn't someone I'm with supposed to help me feel good about myself?

There is a difference between being confident and vile. I'm always afraid of crossing that line in appearance to others. Inside, I know I will never be that person who thinks their shit doesn't stink, but I'm very conscious about what others think of me.... which I guess isn't a good thing either. By others, technically, I mean my friends. People I interact with daily and whom I appreciate and admire. If they think bad of me, who is there to think good? Just myself?

I've heard that you know you are comfortable when you can sit by yourself in a room for hours. I can do that. Years ago my thoughts would overcome me with what others were doing. Now, not so much. I know I have improved.

I just wish I had someone I know for sure would be there to help me with these things.

I don't think my mother helps. She's the first person to try and prove me wrong about things, and call me an idiot. She's
not the most supportive person ever. I came home yesterday from a dinner with friends, and the skirt I was wearing was a little higher on my waist cause I had been walking. The first thing she says to me:

"I can't believe anyone would want to go to dinner with you looking like that."

And she will never accept the fact that she is begrudging. Never. She will compare herself to someone worse. Just because you're not the WORST, doesn't mean you don't need to change.



I guess I'll go right into it. Since most of you reading this, most likely, already know who I am, I'm not going to BS anything.

Most of the friendships I've had in my life have been somewhat dysfunctional. In one way or another, something happens or had happened that made the situation either awkward or .... uncomfortable. Whether one or two of us had grown up before the others, acquired different interests, met new people, or just had interior conflicts between each other, some event has happened that messed something up that couldn't really be fixed.

I'm not talking about anything or anyone in particular, just sharing my thoughts on the subject.

So, that being said, I've noticed something about myself that hasn't changed with all the friendships I've had. I honestly think I've got some kind of nervous disorder that only comes up whilst I'm in groups of 3 or more. One-on-one with someone, I'm fine. I say what I want, do what I want. But even if I'm completely comfortable with every single person in said group, I get oddly quiet at a larger hangout. And I'm still not sure why.

I had asked a (newer) friend, who seems to know me pretty well(he's a master at observing people). He's still getting back to me.

Another friend I had recently acquired said she had noticed it as well at a dinner we had last night, and lunches before with the other friend I talked about before. I'm pretty good friends with both of them, but for some strange reason I can't seem to put a word in at group conversations!

Note that this is really frustrating me. It took us awhile to get to this friendship point in the first place, and I feel like I'm ruining it in a way.

It sucks.

Maybe I feel sub-par in comparison to them. Which is something I'm trying to get over. I had a long talk with someone about that and it helped a lot, so I'm attempting to revamp myself to become a more confidant person. This is one of those things I need to fix for that transformation to work, I guess.

In general, friendship is a two-way street. I feel that if I don't get over this, they will get bored with me and seek out someone else. Here's to hoping.