just wanted to say

I didn't appreciate the fact that when I typed a million page message to you trying to explain what was going on you basically ignored it.

There was no reason to be mad at me. AT ALL.

If you felt like I wasn't 'taking your side' you should have SAID something instead of letting it pile up inside and getting upset over stupid things that shouldn't have upset you.

I don't want this friendship to end, and I think it's ridiculous that it would end over something like this.

I'm not going to be sentimental about it, only because it makes me angry how completely RANDOM it was to me that you were upset. I had no clue it was at me. And I had no clue it would escalate to this caliber.

This is honestly going to be my last attempt. I'm sorry if you didn't like what I had to say in my last message, but I had to say it. I really appreciate you as a person, and I'm sorry if you didn't see that. You know you're awesome, but everyone has those things that set them apart.

I'm in the process of fixing my issues, and maybe that's why I seemed weird to you recently. I'm taking a lot of time to myself and I think I need it. What I'm doing now isn't working, so I need to re-evaluate my priorities, not only in my personal life but career wise as well. I'm trying to figure out if TV is what I really want to do.

You doing this so randomly isn't making it any easier on me either. I'm sorry you got upset, but I really don't think I did anything to make it that way.

I'm done writing novels, so I'm stopping it here. Do what you want, just know that I'm open to civility, and even friendship.

Ya know what?

Fuck you.

Who are you to make me feel like shit?

NO ONE.

NOOOOOOO ONE.

I'm way cuter than that hot mess of a wanna-be lezzy.

You're own downfall.

Imma show you what you're missing.

Life is too effing short to be avoiding things.

But I'm done putting things on the table.

If it's not one thing....

I'm trying my best not to think about it, but it still continues to plague my thoughts. I guess my personality just sucks.

I'm not horrible looking, so that HAS to be it right?

How do you fix a personality?

Note

I said something in one of my first posts that I want to explain.

"I just wish I had someone I know for sure would be there to help me with these things."

It's not that I don't have people around me that are supportive, I do. By the dozens. But, I've had friends come and go so quickly in my life that I don't know who is going to be around much longer and who I can depend on forever(I don't like using that term, but it seemed appropriate. To me, forever only means as long as you live.... but what if they go first? Morbid, I know).

It's not the people I don't trust to stick around, it's me. I can get too close for comfort to some people, and many don't like that. Which I understand. Especially independent people. I always thought I was one of those, until I realized how much I depend on others. Not only to do things for me, that's not the issue, but others I can do things for. I'm a very giving person, I feel, and I like to do for others. Even in the smallest of ways. Writing someone a note, getting them a coffee or something while I'm picking something else up, getting souvenirs for friends while on vacation, paying for dinner once in awhile, doing small favors. I live off these things. I enjoy seeing and making people happy, but sometimes people get tired of it. I don't do it so they can remember that I did. Not do they will look back and go "oh that Lauren, she's great." I really don't like to expect anything in return either. I'm usually surprised by it. (I don't mind surprises every once in awhile either). But a lot of people really don't like that quality I have, mostly because it seems like they feel obligated to do for me what I do for them. Not true.

One of my newest best friends is like me, in that sense. She has the biggest heart around and will give you the shirt off her damn back. We're so alike it's crazy. We both love to do for others, which seems to be our downfall as well.

Alas, that's life right? Nobody's perfect.

Just wanted to clear that up.

Glory, glory hallelujah.

I've noticed something else about myself in the recent days.

When I start a new friendship, I get really excited about it. I will text the person a lot or write on their facebook/twitter/myspace whatever. That's probably not a good thing, right?

I like how I'm posing a question to no one because I haven't, technically, broadcasted this link yet. I will.... eventually. When I feel like it's ready.

Today in history class we were talking about the civil war. My professor had asked how the aftermath of a civil war is worse than a war between two opposite countries. I realized that this is a lot like life. Some people are going through personal civil wars within themselves, and some have wars with others.

The thing about an internal civil war is, not only are you hurting yourself, but others around you are also affected by it. I think I've been having a civil war between me, myself and I for awhile now. I haven't always noticed or wanted to admit it, but it's there. I know everyone fights inside themselves for what the right thing or the wrong thing to do is. Small battles for reason. But the one I've been having is an all out war.

And the damage is way worse than anyone else could do to me from the outside.

I mean, I don't have any kind of mental disability or things like that. But sometimes I blur reality from fantasy. I had a dream last night about a close friend, and it felt so incredibly real and I was so happy in that dream. When I woke up and realized that the events never took place, I wasn't horribly sad, but it made me realize something that I wasn't completely sure of before. Something that I still don't want to admit because it could ruin the way things are now, and I don't want that. Not only for me, but for others.

This war needs to end now.

Life Changes

For the past few months I've been really frustrated with my steady relationship status(non-existent). Lately I've realized that I'm not incredibly happy with myself, therefore how can I be happy with anyone else?

Although, thinking about it further, isn't someone I'm with supposed to help me feel good about myself?

There is a difference between being confident and vile. I'm always afraid of crossing that line in appearance to others. Inside, I know I will never be that person who thinks their shit doesn't stink, but I'm very conscious about what others think of me.... which I guess isn't a good thing either. By others, technically, I mean my friends. People I interact with daily and whom I appreciate and admire. If they think bad of me, who is there to think good? Just myself?

I've heard that you know you are comfortable when you can sit by yourself in a room for hours. I can do that. Years ago my thoughts would overcome me with what others were doing. Now, not so much. I know I have improved.

I just wish I had someone I know for sure would be there to help me with these things.

I don't think my mother helps. She's the first person to try and prove me wrong about things, and call me an idiot. She's

not the most supportive person ever. I came home yesterday from a dinner with friends, and the skirt I was wearing was a little higher on my waist cause I had been walking. The first thing she says to me:

"I can't believe anyone would want to go to dinner with you looking like that."

And she will never accept the fact that she is begrudging. Never. She will compare herself to someone worse. Just because you're not the WORST, doesn't mean you don't need to change.

Amazing.